posted
WOW slasher week i Couldn't believe it i put down that bag of prunes i was eating for constipation of the mind and diarrhea of the mouth here i go with a review.......
But before i can get down to the titty gritty and review this heaving host of kills we've got to take a look at the element that completely gets in the way of ANY good flesh feast: THE PLOT. And whoa ****.... So, although it would be easier to explain ZEN & THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE to a trailer full of third graders , I shall try my best to convey this **** to each and every one of you out there on REWIND TV.
Although high school academy prep queen Virginia enjoys her membership in the elitist ******* popularity club known as "THE TOP TEN", life was not always ****s and giggles for her. As a matter of fact, she's a ****ing psychopath. As a little girl, she was not invited to a birthday party held by one of her schoolmates. After crying about it like a spoiled little brat for a while, her equally psychopathic alcoholic mom decided that she was going to crash the birthday party and get her daughter in one way or another. Well, while mommy dearest is driving 150 mph dow nthe road, hellbent on party crashin', she and her daughter get in a horrible accident. Mommy croaks, and Virginia gets such severe brain damage that the doctors have to use some freak form of experimental surgery (that just so happens to erase memories) to save her life. Flash forward 10 years- Virginia is enrolled in a prestigous high school academy and is beginning to have violently disturbing flashbacks of her mom's death and her unhappy childhood. About the same time she begins to consult the friendly neighborhood psychiatrist, Dr. Faraday- the members of THE TOP TEN club start getting murdered. so who is behind all of these murders? Virginia? Her dead mother? Or mayber her EVIL TWIN? It's a mystery that will keep you nauseated until the very last "suprise twist" ending. Gripping drama it definitely AIN'T.
But who gives a flying chinchilla **** about PLOT in this kind of movie anyway, right? What we all come to see (besides the occassional flopping titty) is good old fashioned KILLING. This is where i break the review down into SHAOLIN ATTACK MODE. Listed below are "SIX OF THE MOST BIZARRE MURDERS YOU WILL EVER SEE"... at least, in theory. Here's what i thought:
KILL ONE: Straight Razor to The Throat
What the ****? How bizarre is this? I mean, slashing someone's throat with a frying pan or a billy goat would be pretty damn bizarre. This kill, although well executed for what it is, it doesn't live up to the hype. Boo!
KILL TWO: Motorcycle to Face
This is where the French exchange student gets his long "TOP TEN" scarf caught up in the axle of his dirt bike. Needless to say, when his face and the grinding wheel of the motorcyle finally meet- there will be enough hamburger meat for everyone. Pretty damn funny... and admittedly creative... not too bad
Holy ****! If all the kills were this funny- i would crown a new King of the Ring. This kill is absolutely hysterical. It has ait all: tension, drama, nutsack getting squished, and a musclebound jock getting his head popped off his ****ing body by his own weight bar. SIMPLY AWESOME!!!!
KILL FOUR: Hedgeclippers to Abdomen
Ho hum ****, really. Resident nerd Alfred makes the mistake of disturbing the killer when she's pruning weeds in the cemetary. suprise! You're dead! Not shocking. About as bizarre as the Warp Zone in Super Mario Borthers.
KILL FIVE: Shish Kabob to Brain
Another classic kill served up fresh from your mortician's freezer! During a romantic fireside dinner engagement, our hapless victim tries to act all suave and have his partner feed him 10" shish kabobs laden with beef, peppers, and spice. Guess who the killer is? DOH! A memorable moment in cinema history. Classic!
KILL SIX: Fire Poker to the Head
When the psychiatrist pays a house call... he gets a bit more than he bargained for: in the form of a 3 foot metal bar busting his brainpan. I honestly never new so much brain and blood could be crammed into a human skull. I guess the psychiatrist was just really smart. Quick & Dirty... but nice.
Well there you go another bute CAPTAIN RHODES Posts: 434 | From: nevada | Registered: Sep 2004 | Site Updates: 0
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mamamiasweetpeaches
She's with you, but she's thinking of Jake Ryan....
Member # 1715
posted
Years after I saw it the guy working out with weights dropped in his lap and the shish-ke-bob scene have stayed with me so I guess I agree those were the most "bizarre" of the lot. I like this movie: ****
Posts: 4913 | From: New York | Registered: Jul 2003 | Site Updates: 0
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80'sRocked Play it Loud, Play it Proud
Member # 6979
Watched Happy Birthday to Me(1981) the other night. I have to agree with some of the above.... some nice gruesome kills here. As cheesy as they are, nothing can beat these type of old school slashers from the 80's.
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"Happy Birthday To Me" is gruesomely good. The murders were horrific and the twisted ending was rather unique for its time. But the scariest memory from this flick was the brain surgery in my opinion!
Posts: 7845 | From: Smiling and glancing in awe in the back of a limo | Registered: Mar 2003 | Site Updates: 22
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mamamiasweetpeaches
She's with you, but she's thinking of Jake Ryan....
Member # 1715
The funny thing about the shish ke bob is they are making romance by the fire and she excuses herself to go get "snacks". And then comes back with shish ke bobs! Thats "SNACKS"??? *****! The cheapskates I went out with always brought out popcorn or - if they realllly wanted to get a little sumthin sumthin- cheese and crackers. No one has ever made me shish ke bob as a "snack"!
Even when I make fondue I have to make it myself! great idea for the sequel: Death By Fondue Fork!
Posts: 4913 | From: New York | Registered: Jul 2003 | Site Updates: 0
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