posted
I saved the thread, so now I've brought it back to you, with all the stories posted and a few stories from another message board I visit that I thought were amusing too.
A couple of the stories have harsh language and content you might be uncomfortable with, so if any of these stories bother you and you think it might be a problem, let me know. It's all supposed to be in good fun.
All right, here's how this works:
I'm going to write a story called "The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...(insert whatever here)." Then, the next person who posts will have to post a story called "The Day Bruce Campbell Saved..." and insert whatever they want there. Please keep this going so I seem like less of a loser.
I'll start things off with an easy one, but try and get creative.
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...The World
So one day this guy that looked kinda like Johnny Depp if he kinda straightened out his facial hair and had a handlebar mustache was like, "I'm gonna blow up the world with this giant propane tank."
Luckily Bruce Campbell was nearby, and by nearby I mean he was in Africa helping a remote cannibal tribe learn how to plant corn and play basketball (while showing off his many basketball trophies), but he had super sensitive hearing so he flew back to America on his jet pack.
"You may have a giant propane tank, but I have a gun," Bruce Campbell said matter-of-factly whilst the wind blew his hair. "Oh no, now I'll be foiled!" the Depp-with-a-Handlebar-Mustache said, "How can I blow up the world if you have a gun?" Bruce Campbell then realized he'd left his gun in his other jacket, so he took out a chainsaw from his pocket instead. "You need a shave, big time!" Bruce Campbell said, and everyone realized that it was so true and Johnny Depp really should lose the facial hair. So Bruce Campbell shaved off the mustache with the chainsaw. At this point, the Depp-no-longer-with-a-Handlebar-Mustache would have said, "Oh no, I have seen the errors of my ways and I'll do good from now on!" but unfortunately, the chainsaw also sliced off the rest of his face so he just died instead. "Yay for Bruce Campbell!" said an attractive blonde. Bruce Campbell then dipped her and kissed her, and everyone was happy.
The End
-Spooka Lupa
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved... His Genitals.
Bruce leaned back into his diamond-encrusted throne, smirking to himself. The power of the smirk washed across his kingdom, bringing peace and joy to all within. It was only five months and three and a half days ago that the world unanimously decided there was no one better to rule the masses than Bruce "Ash-Smashing" Campbell.
And how right they were as suddenly, seemingly endless hordes of zombies rose from their graves and from the rivers (in which case their murderers were too lazy or inconsiderate to actually bury them) in search of one thing, and one thing only: Bruce Campbell's happy snack.
Nobody knew just what the zombies wanted, however. Not at first. You only know because I told you. And I only know because I'm the narrator. But nobody else knew! Not yet. Not yet...
What they did know, however, was the odd fact that all of the zombies had been the most beautiful of young girls in their lives. Between eighteen and nineteen and a half. Gorgeous, well-endowed zombies roamed across the lands, staggering their way towards King Campbell's castle. Their moans and wails echoed through the farmhouses (because after Bruce had been named King he demanded everything return the way it had been in the Dark Ages) and countryside, causing younger men's dirty trousers to tingle uncomfortably, and the older men's filthy briches to regret their choice of marriage.
Bruce ran to the parapets outside his throne room and looked down the worm-eaten blouses of the zombie horde. In a moment of anxious confusion, all he could mutter was, "Sweet." But he knew what to do! He always knew what to do. That's why he was the ****ing king, baby.
From out of his large back pockets he whipped out his trusty shotgun, whom he'd affectionately named Boomhilda. Just as the first wave of hot-zombie-babes burst through his throne-room doors he'd locked in a pair of shells and blasted their pretty bits to oblivion. Unfortunately, trying to load a shotgun with only one hand was quite troublesome, and soon the sexy horde had gained enough ground that Boomhilda would be useless.
Bruce fell back against his throne and shouted, "What the hell do you bitches want?"
The foremost zombie slurred through her half-rotted, used-to-be-perfectly-pouty lips, "Baa-aa-aa-aa-aalls..."
He considered this for a moment. This zombie seemed like she was quite the looker before she took a wrong turn down mortality's alleyway, and therefore, perhaps, she wasn't so bright. Perhaps she mistook brains for balls. Perhaps she was more used to her men having more of the latter than the former. Perhaps--
He considered perhaps he should stop considering as a gnarled, previously-professionally-manicured hand shot out quickly to snatch his patch. "Whoa, tiger!" he shouted and leapt onto the top of his throne, balancing like an expert surfer.
The horde began chanting in its grotesque, sour-sweet moans a mix of "Baa-aa-aa-aa-aa-lls," and "Co-oo-oo-oo-oo-ock," as more dainty, skeletal hands groped through the air.
"Where were you girls when I was in highschool?"
With a magnificent flying, backwards leap that only Bruce Campbell or a stunt double could maneuver, he crashed through a secret painting behind his throne into his weaponry storage room. If Boomhilda was of no use, then he'd just have to rely on old, faithful Handyman. That would be, of course, his attachable chainsaw.
In a dazzling display of sheer heroism, expert chainsmanship, and utter gore-fest mania, the likes of which could never be described, especially by an ameteur writer who's been sick all day and way too out of it to even give it a try, the Mighty King Campbell triumphed over the invading, demonic-hormones driven zombie-babe army. The greatest jewels ever spawned in all the universe were safe for another day.
Amen.
-Lucifer
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...Face
Okay, so this was really awkward. Not a, "there's a little something on your face and I don't want to say anything" kind of awkward, but a really big kind of awkward.
There was a reason he was wearing a dress. No really. I mean, a guy can't just walk in on another guy when he's in his bedroom and just assume that wearing a dress means he's gay. I mean, there could be a perfectly good explanation for it. Just because he happened to be wearing a dress and heels didn't mean he was gay. Maybe he had accidentally put them on when getting dressed in the dark. Maybe he had accidentally put on that dress and those heels and the makeup and the bra and the hose. Or maybe he just got really drunk and couldn't be blamed for his actions. You don't know.
"Dude, are you wearing a dress?" "No!" Bruce Campbell said to his friend, "I mean yes. Listen, this isn't what it looks like. So I just, uh...You see, I..." "I'm so telling the guys," his friend said, laughing, "Wait'll they hear that--" At that point he heard the revving of a chainsaw. "You can tell them that, but then you'll also have to ask yourself who's got the chainsaw." Those glitter-framed eyes meant business. Real business. Bruce could quite literally turn his friend into a real woman with one slice. "Okay, I won't tell!" he said, holding his hands up in defense, "I'll just get out of here and let you change." And he left. Bruce smirked and patted his chainsaw with a perfectly manicured hand. "Heh heh, another crisis averted thanks to you, baby."
Fin
-Obscurus Lupa
The Day Bruce Campbell saved...$20
So Bruce walked into the video store and contemplated buying Silent Hill on DVD. Luckily Noms was there to convince him not to buy it. Bruce thanked Noms, placed his wallet in his back pocket and left the store.
-Noms
Tha Day Bruce Campbell Saved..... his milk bottle tops to make a model space-rocket.
It looked really cool. Normal silver-top made up most of the rocket's body, of course, with red-top (homogenised) for the tail-fins and the in-laid NASA logo. And his Uncle Douglas saved up some gold-top so that he could be way more authentic with his heat-shielding. It took Bruce a whole summer, sat in his bedroom glueing and stapling.
Bruce was proud as proud can be when he showed his finished model to his friends. Right up until one of them said "But Bruce.... you're 38 years old, for gods sake!"
-P.S It’s Paul…
The Day Bruce Campbell saved...a word document to his hard drive.
Well it DID take him over an hour to type with only one hand...
-Noms
The day Bruce Campbell saved Lupa from looking like a loser...
With a little help from Noms...
-Noms
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...His Hand
Oh wait.
-Obscurus Lupa
The Day Bruce Campbell saved...Me a place in the queue.
So Bruce and I decided to go see a movie with a few friends. We agreed to meet outside the cinema at 1900hrs. Unfortunately I was running late and arrived at 1915hrs.
Looking at the extended queue and feeling ****ed off I was pleased when Bruce yelled out. Noms! Over here! I saved you a place.
-Noms
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...Some Time
Bruce Campbell had a lot of things to do one day. He had so much to do that he wrote it all down on a list:
1. Kill some zombies. 2. Slay some babes. 3. Laundry. 4. Cure world hunger. 5. Free the homeless.
So imagine his surprise when he found out, using his elite mathematical skills, that there wasn't enough hours in a day to do all of those things. He could have moved that laundry thing to the next day, but being Bruce Campbell, he used his magical pocket watch to stop time and take care of it, thus freeing up the rest of his day for the other four things. He also ate some beef jerky.
-Obscurus Lupa
The day Bruce Campbell saved... his lunch.
It was a cool, beautiful day when Bruce decided to stop for lunch at the Mc Donalds near his house. What a Mc D's was doing there, Bruce couldn't be sure, but he knew he was hungry and he had to get something now; however he was faced with a dilemma: should he get a couple double cheeseburgers, an apple pie and a coke, or should he get a Big Mac value meal? The choice was gnawing at his soul, and consumed his every thought as he put on his red-hooded wind-breaker and set out on his way to the fast food restaurant.
On his way, he noticed a sign that said "Grandma's House" which pointed left, and "Mc Donald's" that pointed right. It was such a lovely day, and Bruce knew his grandmother was probably hungry as well, so he would make a stop at Mc D's and get them both something to eat. Behind the sign, he noticed a pair of glowing yellow eyes in the underbrush.
"Where are you off to Mr. Red hood?" the shadowy figure with yellow glowing eyes asked.
"Well, the name is Bruce, and I'm going to Mc Donalds to pick up lunch for me and my grandma." Bruce said happily.
"Sounds nice. I love their apple pie." The figure said, as he emerged from the bush. It was a wolf, who looked big and bad. It was a big bad wolf!
"I agree. Any pie is good pie, and I don't care where it's from." Bruce explained as he started salivating at the thought of the extremely hot but tasty pastry. "So, what is a wolf like you doing hiding behind a bush, oh and talking for that matter?" Asked Bruce, but the wolf seemed to disappear into thin air. Bruce shrugged and continued his journey to his favorite fast food restaurant.
After deciding on 2 Big Mac meals, super sized, a Mc Chicken and 3 scolding hot apple pies, Bruce made his way over to grandma's house. In order to make sure his lunch would be safe and warm, he requested it be put in a large picnic basket that the drive-thru clerk just so happened to have at that very moment. He avoided the Play Place, since he usually loved cannonballing onto unsuspecting children hiding in the ball pit, because he knew that his grandmother would probably be just as hungry as he was. So, he made his way over to grandma's house.
The house was unusually dark, and quiet. His grandmother would usually be practicing her funky fresh new dance moves along with her favorite movie "You Got Served." No one could bust a move like his grandma.
"Grandma? Are you home? I bought some lunch from Mc Donalds." Bruce called out, but no answer.
"Grandma?" Bruce called out again. He knew that the atomic apple pies could probably keep the lunch hot for a good 12 hours, but he was hungry now. He was about to sit down and begin his meal when he heard a voice coming from Grandma's room.
"B-bruce? Is that you?" The voice coming from the room was definitely that from a weak old woman, which is why Bruce didn't buy it. His grandma could kick Chuck Norris' *** armed with nothing but a bobby pin and about a yard of knitting yarn. Bruce decided to see what was up, and entered grandma's dark room.
"Grandma, why is it so dark in here?" Bruce asked in a suspicious tone.
"Your old grandma just hasn't been feeling herself today. Is that Mc Donald's apple pie I smell?" The fake grandma asked.
"Well, yes it is. It just so happens I bought us both lunch today! I know how much you love Mc Donald's French fries. Deep fried and salted to perfection, each spud carefully positioned with love in a red cardboard container by the fry cook." Bruce explained as he got a closer look at the imposter.
"Sounds delicious!" Said the grandma, in a deeper voice.
"My grandma, what big eyes you have!" Bruce said as he pulled slowly pulled out a sizzling apple pie from the basket.
"Well, all the better to see you with my dear. Now where is my food?"
"But grandma, what big... alright, put your hands where I can see them!" Bruce yelled pointing the tasty yet dangerously hot pastry at the fake grandma.
"What the..." said the startled "grandma" as Bruce pulled the sheets off of her. It turned out to be the wolf, disturbingly dressed in drag, sporting his grandmother's nightgown.
"What kind of sick ******* comes into an old lady's home, puts on her clothes and pretends to be her?" Bruce asked, still pointing the pie at the wolf.
"Now, let's not do anything irrational. We can talk about this..." The wolf tried to negotiate with the enraged man, but to no avail.
"Are you wearing... her panties?" Asked Bruce.
"Well, they felt kind of nice, so I decided to keep them on." The wolf explained as he slowly slid out of the bed. Just then Bruce heard the door open, and he looked around, but the wolf was too quick, and he snatched the picnic basked out of his hand and darted toward the window.
Bruce knew the only thing he could do to save his lunch was to use... the pie. The power of the pie was the only thing that would work. Bruce tore off the top of the cardboard the pie was contained in with his teeth, then with a swing of his arm, launched the now armed pastry toward the escaping wolf.
_________
"mmm, this pie is delicious." Said grandma, as she carefully bit into the piece she let cool for 10 minutes.
"It sure is, grandma, it sure is." Bruce concluded as the camera zoomed out to show both him and his grandma eating pie, and what looked like a charred wolf silhouette on the wall behind them.
The End.
-Loup
The Day that Bruce Campbell Saved... a dime.
We find our hero reading the newspaper. All of a sudden he jumps up and exclaims 'I found a coupon for 5 cents off a jumbo bag of crisps!' Bruce Campbell lives in England, magically.
So he drives down to the ASDA and gets his crisps and slaps the coupon down on the counter. The clerk looks at the coupon and says 'I'm sorry... that coupon expired last weekend.'
wah wah wah.
(I couldn't have him succeed all the time now could I?)
-Austin
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...DINOSAURS FROM EXTINCTION.
One fine prehistoric morning we find Bruce Campbell cooking some rat on his newly invited fire pit. (Oh the technology!) His neighbor, Ugga, comes out and decides to have his morning chat with Bruce. They discussed, ugguh, ooga, bugga, and they also gossiped a small amount about the neighborhood slut, Kugga. In the middle of their conversation, Ugga points to a nearby tree. His finger continues to point, and just then Bruce figured out that his friend was not pointing to the tree itself, but to a bird flying out. Bruce turned pale and felt the ground shake under him. A huge black ball of fire was hurling towards the earth. At this time all of the dinosaurs where in a frenzy. Everyone, including Kugga, ran for their lives. Ugga then screamed "UGGAOOGUACHUUUUGA." Which ment, "THE DINOSAURS ARE GOING TO BECOME EXTINCT, SOMEONE STOP THE METOR OR SOMETHING" naturally. Bruce put his crisping rat by his side and jumped up. He then found a nearby dinosaur and hopped on it's back. He found an industrial size trampoline stuffed in the back of it's glove compartment. He took it out and ran closer towards the metor. Just then, the metor crashed into the trampoline and hurled towards Mars. The world was saved! Everyone came back, and so did the Dinosaurs. Kugga screamed out "UGOUGGA!" which ment "MAH HERO!" Bruce seemed to not be interested and went back to roasting his rat.
END.
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...Private Ryan
"Hey, what's your name?" "Private Ryan. What's yours?" "Bruce Campbell. Hey, uh, don't step there. That's a mine field." "Thanks."
End
-Obscurus Lupa
Posts: 1830 | From: Land Under the Bed | Registered: May 2004 | Site Updates: 0
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"You know what a tap is?" "Yep" "Turn it off then"
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The Day Bruce Campbell Saved... A Whale
"Bigger ****** ain't it." "What ya gonna do with it?" "Save it." "From those Japanese fishermen?" "No - for later - I might get hungry."
Posts: 171 | From: United Kingdom | Registered: Aug 2006 | Site Updates: 0
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posted
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved...Hercules: the Legendary Journeys From Cancellation
So the Powers That Be got together one day and decided to chill out and make some whacky decisions like they always do. It was the end of the week and they were all ready to take a break, so they were winding down by making the small decisions, like what TV shows would stay and which would leave. They kept the ones they liked, and got rid of the ones they didn't.
"Hey, uh, that Hercules show has been running for awhile. Maybe we should let it lie, eh?" said the Patron Saint of Canada.
"I don't know, I kinda like it...In a corny way. Maybe we should just have more crossovers with Xena; she's pretty popular right now," said the Patron Saint of Feminism and Gay Subtext.
"Oh forget it, I say we just cancel it. I'm tired of genre crap anyway," said the Patron Saint of Cynicism and Poor Taste.
"But wait, if we cancel it we won't have any more Autolycus. I love that Bruce Campbell guy," said the Patron Saint of Common Sense.
Seeing that Bruce Campbell is both cynical and has poor taste, the Patron Saint of Cynicism and Poor Taste was all for it. "Okay, sure. We'll let it run for a sixth season."
And Bruce Campbell dipped and kissed a girl again.
The End
Posts: 1830 | From: Land Under the Bed | Registered: May 2004 | Site Updates: 0
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I just randomly found this thread and it was one of my all time favourites. Looks like Lupa hasn't posted on here since June last year and this I am afraid is just not on.
I will try and e-mail her to get her back, who's with me???
Noms Posts: 2517 | From: Living in oblivion. Third floor up. Nice views from the window.... | Registered: May 2004 | Site Updates: 4
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posted
I'm with you. Well ok, I'm not with you. But I am behind you 100% in a 'might-turn-out-to-be-the-android-member-of-the-group' type way.
Posts: 3383 | From: England | Registered: May 2003 | Site Updates: 21
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Valley Dated Julie From 'Valley Girl' (allegedly!)
Member # 1322
posted
Here you go Lupa.....kind of like Bruce Campbell this thread still lives.
Posts: 7845 | From: Smiling and glancing in awe in the back of a limo | Registered: Mar 2003 | Site Updates: 22
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I'm waiting for The Day Bruce Campbell Saved Chuck Norris! Posts: 3385 | From: Sacramento, California, USA | Registered: Sep 2002 | Site Updates: 0
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80'sRocked Play it Loud, Play it Proud
Member # 6979
posted
The Day Bruce Campbell Saved....This Thread.
One lazy Sunday evening, a very bored Bruce(Valley), was sitting around the house with nothing to do. "Play one of my arcade games?" he thought to himself. Nah....why bother? I have the high score on all of them anyway. "Watch a rare 80's movie?" he thought to himself. Nah....why bother? I've seen every 80's movie ever made. "Start a new thread on the Rewind?" he thought to himself. Nah....why bother? No one will respond to it anyway. "I've got it!" he thought to himself. I'll revive the Bruce Campbell thread started over a year ago. This will definitely get the dead boards rolling again. He jumped out of his lazy-boy recliner, ran to his computer, logged into the Rewind, found that old thread and typed, "Here you go Lupa.....kind of like Bruce Campbell this thread still lives". Then he sat back down in his recliner, kicked his feet up and thought, "My work here is done....Bruce will live forever and hopefully these dead boards will get rolling again". Posts: 3614 | From: Caught Somewhere in Time.... | Registered: May 2008 | Site Updates: 101
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Valley Dated Julie From 'Valley Girl' (allegedly!)
Member # 1322
posted
80'sRocked, that was hilarious.
Posts: 7845 | From: Smiling and glancing in awe in the back of a limo | Registered: Mar 2003 | Site Updates: 22
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posted
The day he saved...America? Maybe we should write him in as an independent!
Posts: 2242 | From: Here | Registered: Aug 2002 | Site Updates: 0
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80'sRocked Play it Loud, Play it Proud
Member # 6979
Reading this thread again reminds me of the good ol' days. Posts: 1830 | From: Land Under the Bed | Registered: May 2004 | Site Updates: 0
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posted
I was reading that Chuck Norris website, you know the one that says stuff like:
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
I think most of that fits Bruce much better. WE should come up with some of our own about Bruce!
Posts: 2242 | From: Here | Registered: Aug 2002 | Site Updates: 0
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