I don't know how or why it happens but I always seem to get words in my head and the only way to get them to stop is to write, or type, them out.
I'm not saying that it's a bad thing at all, I'm just using that as a preamble to my poem I wrote today (at about 12:15 am) I would LOVE feedback on it. You like it, didn't like it, constructive critisism (seriously don't be a critic just to be a critic. Throw me a bone here and use your words to help mine.)
I kind of do the Emily ****enson thing of not titleing things or I just use the first words. So here it is...
I stare and watch her The one with the swollen belly Eating only enough to stop the noise Sitting on the bench with a light jacket Ripped jeans, overworn and under loved I wonder what it’s like Living by the minute Not knowing, only questioning
I stare and watch her She finds my eyes with pinpoint accuracy Taunting me to avert my gaze Willing me to see if her stomach still moves Or if it’s only holding dead flesh I wonder what it’s like To not know what’s inside you Except what you put into your veins
I stare and watch her The one with the swollen belly Searching for her money in thread bare pockets Shuffling to the man in the shadows He holds heaven in a dirty paper bag I wonder what it’s like Hating what you’ve created Fulfilling your needs to destroy it
Well? What did you think? If people seem to like my writing I can post more poems and, if you're lucky, you might get some short stories. (REALLY lucky if I post my slightly long Zombie(ish) short story. PEACE!
Posted by TKO (Member # 1471) on :
I'm far from an expert on poetry and English isn't even my mother language. But I sure can tell that it's very well written. I would say I like it, if only it wasn't such a sad story. But hey, life can be hard sometimes...
Other than that I like your choise of words. Posted by 80'sRocked (Member # 6979) on :
You want poets? I am the world's last Rewind poet.
I see America drinking the fabulous c0cktails I make. American's getting stinking on something I stir or shake. The Sex on the Beach, The Schnapps made from peach, The Velvet Hammer, The Alabama Slammer....
I make things with juice and froth. The Pink Squirrel, The 3-Toed Sloth.
I make drinks so sweat and snazzy. The Iced Tea, The Kamikaze,
The Orgasm....
The Death Spasm, The Singapore Sling, The Ding-a-ling!
America you're just devoted to every flavor I got. But if you want to get loaded, Why don't you just order a shot? Bar is OPEN!!!
Sorry....I couldn't resist.
Good stuff Your Eyes.
Posted by Mr. Jack Burton (Member # 4673) on :
I've drank all of those just this evening hic...
Posted by JAY LEE (Member # 6345) on :
That was really good YECBSC...! I got a lot of images in my mind from reading that. And your word composition is good too. Im not hugely into poetry as such (do I look like I am... ) But through my studies of Asian culture, I have encountered and appreciated some old chinese and japanese poetry. Especially the japanese death poems. Which dying samurais would write before battle and then mutter to themselves as they faded away..... well, if they had time... im sure a good beheading would impare your poetry reciting chances quite a lot. But anyway... good stuff, keep it up.
Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
Like yours 80'sRocked. Interesting indeed.
Oh, and JAY LEE I think I'm going to have to pass on the death poems for now. I'll check more into that when I'm quite a lot older. But thanks for the idea. Ha Peace!
Posted by 80'sRocked (Member # 6979) on :
quote:Originally posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel: Like yours 80'sRocked. Interesting indeed.
Wish I could take credit for it....You did see the movie C0cktail, didn't you?
Posted by Mr. Jack Burton (Member # 4673) on :
I was in it.. Drunk past out guy in Hawaiian shirt number 4... Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
I've seen it like once, and then bits and pieces. ones i watched when I was younger don't really stick out in my mind. My bad. Kudos still though. So I'm thinking about putting up one of my short stories that was inspired by An Occurence On Owl Creek Bridge...should I?
Posted by 80'sRocked (Member # 6979) on :
Where is the inspiration for your poetry coming from?
I understand the topic/subject matter of your poem...
I just read your short story...and was wondering because of the graphic descriptiveness of your words....where is that coming from?
Your 18 years old.... that seems pretty "deep stuff" for someone your age to have come pouring out like that.
You seem like a pretty upbeat person in your postings....I was wondering how you can write such sad and depressing stuff without it having an effect on how you actually feel.
Posted by ISIS (Member # 1780) on :
My friend is a poet, she is asked by the governor of our state, to write the Poem they use every year at the Governor's Breakfast. They have it put on all the programs they give out, and they have it framed and given to the guest of honor, who is usually someone who has done an outstanding job in human service work, like she did one for Meadowlark Lemon...last year they honored Scott Beamer's wife- he was on the flight that crashed in PA...that was meant to hit the White House.
I have never understood poetry...I think it is something your born with. Like my friend can just get a piece of paper and start writing...and it boggles my mind.
But, that's the same thing to me as writing songs...or writing music...I can't understand how people do it. It is a talent. I think it is a great way for people to channel emotions.
Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
quote:Originally posted by ISIS: Where is the inspiration for your poetry coming from?
Your 18 years old.... that seems pretty "deep stuff" for someone your age to have come pouring out like that.
I don't really know what the inspiration is. I honestly was just driving home from work, which is like a 2 minute drive, and I had these words come into my head. I've never understood it myself but I've just learned to harness those words and splatter them to paper or type them out.
I'm not sure how I can only be 19 and have all these things in my mind either. It's not like I've had a bazillion horrendous things happen in my life or anything. I just think that somehow my mind puts me into these situations that I somehow feel like I very possibly could have expierenced them.
I've written my fair share of happy things as well. Don't worry. Posted by ISIS (Member # 1780) on :
Well that is good to know.
So, was that all in your mind, or did you actually see a person who inspired you to write that?
Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
All in my mind. *shrug*
Don't know how it got there but it did. I DO have inspiration sometymes though. Like this one that I wrote for my grandfather and a girl here in my town. I think that Wings of Hope Hospice printed it in a newsletter thing.
Survivors
Survivors come by the handfulls now Some of you might ask how They survie and illness that used to mean death It's name is Cancer It's worse than the rest It's taken out many Even some of our best Either slowly Or even over night Now we all have a chance To put up a fight Many donate time, money, and care Just to let us know That there will always be someone there
Posted by ISIS (Member # 1780) on :
That's a nice poem. The American Cancer Society should stick it on a brochure or a t-shirt. I walked in the Relay for Life this year, for my friend's son who died of colon cancer at age 39. Another friend just lost his sister to breast cancer-she was only 36. My husband's mother died a month after we got married of colon cancer, and my Dad died of brain cancer ...4 years ago.
So, cancer is something most of us will be touched by in life- as sad as that is...so the majority of people can relate to that poem.
Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
This one girl who was a cheerleader at my highschool died about three years ago from a tumor on her brainstem. My grandfater didn't die from the cancer, he had colon cancer as well.
He was very inspirational to me throughout the whole ordeal though. The day before (I think) before he went into surgery to get a piece of his colon removed he told us "Well at least I'll be less of an a*s when I'm done with this." He was very light hearted, even when the chemo was wearing him out.
A BAGILLION KUDOS TO YOU ISIS! They had a Relay for life here by me and I visited a family friend, who had survived cancer in her throat, when she was over there.
Posted by Devolution (Member # 1731) on :
Devolution here,
Sorry as a math teacher talking.
There is no number Bagillion.
Nor Bizillon.
Nor Zillion.
Unless they just made them up.
WE are DEVO (sorry, just a pet peeve)
Posted by ISIS (Member # 1780) on :
Funny...cause I knew what a Bagillion was. Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
I like fake numbers. There's enough numbers out there I feel that I have the right to make some up too.
Yeah, I know what a bagillion is too Posted by Kash (Member # 297) on :
Great prose style, like an early Joan Banez meets Charles Bukowski, keep up the good work.
Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
Muchas gracias Kash!
I'm actually trying to talk to my old English teacher about getting a thing of some of my work published. She's got some connections Posted by jdocster (Member # 5752) on :
quote:Originally posted by Devolution: Devolution here,
Sorry as a math teacher talking.
There is no number Bagillion.
Nor Bizillon.
Nor Zillion.
Unless they just made them up.
WE are DEVO (sorry, just a pet peeve)
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story... ;-)
Posted by YourEyesCanBeSoCruel (Member # 7480) on :
Ha! That's what I think jdocster. Who needs truth when a story is good enough without it?
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